The most immediate threat to our food supply is not global warming or biofuels, as some commentators claim.

It is a thing called Boy.

That’s the startling conclusion even respected climate scientists will be forced to draw from this scene of devastation, seen in our bedroom a few minutes ago.


Entire crops of tomato, basil and pepper lie uprooted. The first leaves on other shoots are totally plucked.

‘He was only in here for a few seconds,’ said a desolate Clare, referring to the hobbit-sized menace who began throwing his wellies down the stairs. ‘I’ll have to start all over again.’

Fortunately, this is a problem we can do something about. Thanks in part to the 7.2-metre polytunnel currently lying in parts not 300 yards away on the other side of the river. It’s nearer 330 yards.

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